This is not some great piece of news, as it is a matter of the obvious that I am always confused. Only this time, the object of my confusion is as real and tangible as can be.
It all started this morning, when I decided to move to UK for my MA.
Now the thing is my Polish teacher back in Bucharest told me I can graduate one year earlier and continue my never-ending learning process in Warsaw, but I've only recently found out that the MA program he had in mind for me is not even remotely related to literature or philology or whatever is it that I am doing at this very moment of my life, but to politics, history and sociology. Which of course is just wonderful, but maybe not the best pick for somebody who claims to be an elf and is still afraid of vampires, who needs a daily amount of fiction and to an extent makes a living out of it.
One of my best friends, who sometimes knows me better than I know myself, told me decisions are not to be based on the mood you have one random morning. And that one year in Poland is not enough if I really want to make something out of this obsession, and I couldn't agree more. Not to mention I'd feel like I'm cheating on Warsaw and that's the last thing on my agenda. Then my Pani Doktor 2 told me I could just try to continue my philology studies, for example in Kato, as it would be easier since I know so many people in the Theory of Literature Dept, they like me and I like them, problem solved (didn't have the heart to tell her how much I dislike the people in that School of Polish Language, just thinking about learning the language with them for 2 more years gives me nausea). Or I can just move to Krakow or Poznan or Gdansk (where I'll most likely freeze to death for real, but I wouldn't care, I'd be down by the sea). Or to Warsaw, but just pick some other MA.
On the other hand, even though I still love Poland and probably always will, I'm not that madly in love anymore, as to be incapable of taking into consideration some other parts of this world where I could mind my stories and my business, which is yet to be defined. But if I give up now I'll feel like having stopped in the middle of the road, which is one of the things I hate most. If I go on like this, I'll grow old and tired and eventually lower standards. If I don't go on like this, I'll never learn what it really means to thoroughly get involved in something and I'll be forever superficial, which is more or less annoying, especially after a certain age I am quickly approaching. Ok, maybe not that quickly, but anyway.
And this UK thing started a long time ago (I actually feel like it's always been there, it dates back to those historical times when I wasn't even studying English philology), but I suddenly remembered this first obsession of mine because of some bloody literary anthologies I was supposed to write an article about. And I didn't write about the Polish ones, as expected. I spent half a day researching and writing about British anthologies, and it worked better than the madeleine worked for Proust.
There. Now I have to do the math.
Note to self and everybody else: I'm not even done writing and I feel I'm being very unfair to Poland. Or it may be that the time has come to acknowledge that countries and cities do not have souls, so it's no use being over-emotional and worrying about hurting nonexistent feelings.
It all started this morning, when I decided to move to UK for my MA.
Now the thing is my Polish teacher back in Bucharest told me I can graduate one year earlier and continue my never-ending learning process in Warsaw, but I've only recently found out that the MA program he had in mind for me is not even remotely related to literature or philology or whatever is it that I am doing at this very moment of my life, but to politics, history and sociology. Which of course is just wonderful, but maybe not the best pick for somebody who claims to be an elf and is still afraid of vampires, who needs a daily amount of fiction and to an extent makes a living out of it.
One of my best friends, who sometimes knows me better than I know myself, told me decisions are not to be based on the mood you have one random morning. And that one year in Poland is not enough if I really want to make something out of this obsession, and I couldn't agree more. Not to mention I'd feel like I'm cheating on Warsaw and that's the last thing on my agenda. Then my Pani Doktor 2 told me I could just try to continue my philology studies, for example in Kato, as it would be easier since I know so many people in the Theory of Literature Dept, they like me and I like them, problem solved (didn't have the heart to tell her how much I dislike the people in that School of Polish Language, just thinking about learning the language with them for 2 more years gives me nausea). Or I can just move to Krakow or Poznan or Gdansk (where I'll most likely freeze to death for real, but I wouldn't care, I'd be down by the sea). Or to Warsaw, but just pick some other MA.
On the other hand, even though I still love Poland and probably always will, I'm not that madly in love anymore, as to be incapable of taking into consideration some other parts of this world where I could mind my stories and my business, which is yet to be defined. But if I give up now I'll feel like having stopped in the middle of the road, which is one of the things I hate most. If I go on like this, I'll grow old and tired and eventually lower standards. If I don't go on like this, I'll never learn what it really means to thoroughly get involved in something and I'll be forever superficial, which is more or less annoying, especially after a certain age I am quickly approaching. Ok, maybe not that quickly, but anyway.
And this UK thing started a long time ago (I actually feel like it's always been there, it dates back to those historical times when I wasn't even studying English philology), but I suddenly remembered this first obsession of mine because of some bloody literary anthologies I was supposed to write an article about. And I didn't write about the Polish ones, as expected. I spent half a day researching and writing about British anthologies, and it worked better than the madeleine worked for Proust.
There. Now I have to do the math.
Note to self and everybody else: I'm not even done writing and I feel I'm being very unfair to Poland. Or it may be that the time has come to acknowledge that countries and cities do not have souls, so it's no use being over-emotional and worrying about hurting nonexistent feelings.
4 comments:
You really are at the crossroads, aren't you... it's a tough place to be, but great that you're taking time to think it all through. Two questions, which might have contrary answers, but might take you a little further: 1) If there were no obstacles of time, place or money, what subject would you rather study for your MA? 2) if there were no obstacles of time, subject or money, where would you rather study for your MA?
I suppose, t'is not the only MA they offer in terms of Polish studies in Warsaw or at least in Poland.
And furthermore, maybe the main obstacle is that you already know English so very well and Kato isn't the best place in Poland to trigger your fascination for the country ... ?
@ Bilus: apparently, it's not just fictional crossroads we're talking about, and I hate decision-making. But thanks for the hints (just to see how frivolous I can be, the first MA that came to mind was Elvish). So the winner for number 1 is Creative and Professional Writing, the winner for number 2 is still Warsaw, but the main obstacle here is language. I guess that's also part of the problem - I've had enough of those podręczniki dla cudzoziemców and their topics, but they're the core structure of my education at this point...
@ Miss M.: my dear, you're so right, this might not be the best place, but I'm beginning to fear my fascination may have faded a little. So that's why I took into consideration the possibility of leaving before it fades out completely.
1. Creative Writing Postgraduate courses in the UK
2. Masters at Warsaw
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